Telling or not telling the wife

Kerry30Den
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2016 4:34 pm

Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:11 am

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What I want to stress and I know some of you may disagree with this, but my primary reason for NOT telling is because of my love for my wife, but I know that a full confession WILL upset her a lot. I think that for me to tell her at this stage would be quite selfish as I have a lot to gain if she was accepting.



Oops, I misunderstood, sorry. I thought when you asked this in your OP: "how can I tell her when the first question she will ask is what do you want and my answer will be, I don't know!!!!", you wanted to know WHAT to tell her. So if you don't dress much and a lot of it is just participating here and on facebook, you're not in a position to outright lie to her? If this is the case, then it's up to you as to what to do. But keep in mind that you are withholding something that you consider is important. Should she ever find out, she will feel lied to even though by not telling her you do not feel you are lying and this would erode the marital trust.

But, should you ever decide to tell her, then you should change your inner-language and tell her what you told us rather than lead her to understand that you do struggle with gender identity.

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If my circumstances change and I had to take Becky further of course I would have no choice but to tell her, but on the other hand maybe this is as far as I will ever go and if that means a happy wife and a great marriage is not put at risk for no compelling reason.



If you had Gender Dysphoria you would not be able to have a great marriage with your wife under the present circumstances. You would hate it that she thinks of you as a man.

Kerry30Den
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2016 4:34 pm

Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:12 am

Reine, thanks very much for your very detailed response, but I have to disagree with your premise. You are saying that if a person does not hate their body is not convinced that they are the wrong gender then they are a 'just' CD.

I believe that gender is a continuum and its not as simple as you either have GD or you don't. Take myself as a good example. I have many characteristics and attributes that are more associated with females. I don't hate my body per se, but I hate aspects of it such as body hair. Would I love to have boobs? Yes but I would love to have smooth legs more.
I don't enjoy many of typical male behaviours, I don't enjoy the company of groups of guys. I don't ever feel or think I look good in guys clothes, the only time I ever feel i look good is when I am enfemm. I could give another 20 examples.

So yes I show attributes of GD at times, but for whatever reason it doesn't make my life miserable and my compulsion to be a woman seems to be temporary. So that is why at this stage I can see no benefit to my wife of sharing more than she knows already.

Kerry30Den
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2016 4:34 pm

Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:12 am

think youe on the right track becky we use the term transition the infers you were someone else. the journey to be becky or sandi includes them. always a part of you

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your beautiful dianei understand your urges to dress even more . know what your going tosay . start a conversation about crossdress celebrity get a feel for her opinion she may show a good deal about what she sees as acceptable . di this before you talk to her about your situation
not want to

Kerry30Den
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2016 4:34 pm

Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:12 am

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Reine, thanks very much for your very detailed response, but I have to disagree with your premise. You are saying that if a person does not hate their body is not convinced that they are the wrong gender then they are a 'just' CD.



So, what's "just CD"?

Forum members have developed a language of "just CD" and "more than CD", as if there is some sort of hierarchy that makes one serious, and one not. A lot of people think if a CDer is sexually aroused when he dresses, then he's a fetish CD and is not as serious about it as someone who isn't sexual aroused. But really, there's not much difference between someone who gets sexually aroused over it and someone who doesn't. Libido is a highly individual thing and it also changes throughout a man's life, so it cannot be used as a barometer for "how much of a CD/more-than-CD am I". Both the "just" and the "more than" might have the same taste in clothes, might have developed the same ability to put on makeup well, both might dress to the same degree of frequency, both might go out dressed to the same places, etc, etc, etc.

So let's look at "just a CD" in more detail. Is it a teenager who is just starting out and gets off on the pair of panties he stole from the girl's locker room? Or the older teenager who has accumulated a small stash of complete outfits, hose, lingerie, and who gets off frequently in his room, only to rip it off and then do something with the guys? Or is it the same person 10 years later who loves to go to TG friendly nightclubs to flirt with all the guys while wearing wild eye makeup and mini skirts? Or does he stop being "just a CD" when 10 years after that, he is married with kids and dresses less frequently, and it is no longer as sexual as it once was (although it still is sometimes). Or has he then graduated to more than "just a CD" 10 years after that, when his kids are gone and his wife is so accepting that he wears a house dress and some makeup most nights after he comes from work, and a nightie to bed? No, this person has been the same along. The difference between the stages is a natural maturity that we all go through and that affects our changing approaches to any circumstance, even those not dealing with the crossdressing.

But fundamentally, we do have two important distinctions within this community and they are "those who will transition" and "those who will not". Those who will transition are usually referred to as TS, or some refer to themselves as TG. But there are a slew of words to describe those who will not transition: crossdresser, bigender, gender-fluid, gender nonconforming, non-binary, TG, etc, etc, etc.

If your wife becomes upset over the CDing, I suspect she will mostly fear transition. And since you clearly stated above that you do not feel you are in the wrong body, chances are that you will not transition. After that, you can attach any label to yourself you would like, but to say you a a woman inside (which indicates a mismatch between your body and your gender identity) doesn't describe the things you've told us about yourself in this thread.

You might be interested in reading the link below, which is one of the clearest explanations I've seen of Gender Dysphoria, from the National Health System in the UK. It describes transsexualism. And finally, there's absolutely nothing wrong with not being TS, no matter which word you prefer to use to describe yourself.

[url=http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Gender-dysphoria/Pages/Symptoms.aspx"

Kerry30Den
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2016 4:34 pm

Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:12 am

Reine, I agree with a lot of what you have said above, that exactly why I put the 'just' a CD in inverted commas. Your distinction of either you transition or you don't is actually the only relevant one, the rest are just labels. But labels do help a lot in understanding what we are.

Back on topic of telling my wife... I think if I was simply a guy who liked to dress or got sexually stimulated I would tell my wife as it would be pretty innocuous. If I had to transition clearly I would be telling her. I guess its that middle ground that creates the level of discomfort and fear of unknown that is part of my reason for not upsetting her by telling.

Kerry30Den
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2016 4:34 pm

Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:12 am

Ooops again, Becky, I'm editing this post to tell you that you posted your #24 while I was typing this. Anyway, if you are happy and your wife is happy, then all is good.


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I believe that gender is a continuum



Everything in life is a continuum. Every single human trait is on a continuum. For example, some people are naturally extremely jealous, others don't have a jealous bone in their body, and there are all those at various degrees of jealousy in between. But, no human trait and no personal preference can be placed into a male or female gender box as if to define some sort of gender continuum. Every human being has the full capacity to experience all human emotions, and the preferences we all have are social contructs. Raise a girl in a society were girls don't wear pink, and she will not be drawn to wearing pink. Where there is NOT a continuum is in our biological sex. We are either male or female (with the male or female primary and secondary sexual characteristics), with a small percentage of people who are born statistically anomalous as [url=http://www.isna.org/faq/conditions"intersex[/u]http://www.isna.org/faq/conditions"intersex[/u[/url].

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I have many characteristics and attributes that are more associated with females. I don't hate my body per se, but I hate aspects of it such as body hair. Would I love to have boobs? Yes but I would love to have smooth legs more.



You and just about every other CDer in this forum! It makes sense that if the desire is to look female, then any slight body modification in order to make it look and feel feminine would be preferred. How many CDers here have said they LOVE the feel of nylons over their freshly shaved legs. This is indeed part of the CDing. My own SO keeps his body shaved at all times.

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I don't enjoy many of typical male behaviours, I don't enjoy the company of groups of guys. I don't ever feel or think I look good in guys clothes, the only time I ever feel i look good is when I am enfemm.



First, a lot of guys aren't into stereotypical male behaviors. I have three sons. None of them are into tinkering with cars, two of them aren't particularly into sports (although one was as a teenager), two of them are fantastic cooks (they enjoy the kitchen more than their girlfriends), one of them is an artist, one is very picky about how his house looks and is decorated, and I could go on too, while my other son's fiancée is a sports therapist at a high school and she is naturally crazy for sports! As to not enjoying the company of men, I don't blame you if your only experiences have been among groups of beer guzzling guys who beat their chests and talk about sports. But, did you ever have a male friend you were close to, with whom you could talk to about a variety of things including any issues you may have had in your personal life? This isn't much different than talking to a GG about the same things. And sorry to bring up my sons again, but the middle one is single and hangs out with a sizable group of people of both men and women. They do a lot of things together, and they engage in activities while together that both the men and women like. He enjoys doing things much more with the entire gang than spending a weekend out in the woods with just the guys. As to not liking guy clothes, you're certainly not alone. We had a longstanding thread in this section years ago where a majority of CDers said they couldn't be bothered to dress up nicely as men. Their best efforts went into their feminine looks. My own SO could put his entire male wardrobe in one large suitcase, yet there are two rooms full of female clothes.

The mind is a complex thing. If you do enjoy experiencing femininity, it makes sense that you will seek what you might consider is stereotypical femininity, which includes hanging out with just the girls and engaging in what you might consider is girl talk? But just so you know, when I get together with my female friends we discuss politics, current events, carreers, events in our lives, etc, even sports sometimes (one friend describe the Cubs World Series game in great detail), just like men talk about.

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So yes I show attributes of GD at times, but for whatever reason it doesn't make my life miserable and my compulsion to be a woman seems to be temporary. So that is why at this stage I can see no benefit to my wife of sharing more than she knows already.



You should read the medical definition of GD above.

Having said all I said here, please understand that my focus in telling you all of this is to help you explain it all to your wife, should she find your stash of clothes one day and demand an explanation. If you tell her you have Gender Dysphoria but you are happy in your male body and as a male in between feminine experiences, even if your urges to dress are the strongest things you experience, then your personal definition does not agree with the medical profession's. And if you tell her you are a woman, it will make it a lot harder for her to accept than if you tell her what you told us, which is that you enjoy expressing femininity on occasion and you do not feel you are in the wrong body.

... But, if you want to think of yourself as a woman, then of course you can think of yourself this way.


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