Telling or not telling the wife

Kerry30Den
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Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2016 4:34 pm

Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:07 am

I know that what I am going to be saying will probably raise some interesting comments and I look forward to hearing some of you on this one.

To date I have told my wife only a little bit about my 'gender issues' this is not something that I have done (or not done to be more precise) lightly or without a lot of thought.

First my story in brief. Standard CD from early teen to age 40ish... putting on items of female clothing was a huge turn on, not something I needed to do or had to do

Kerry30Den
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2016 4:34 pm

Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:07 am

I know that what I am going to be saying will probably raise some interesting comments and I look forward to hearing some of you on this one.

To date I have told my wife only a little bit about my 'gender issues' this is not something that I have done (or not done to be more precise) lightly or without a lot of thought.

First my story in brief. Standard CD from early teen to age 40ish... putting on items of female clothing was a huge turn on, not something I needed to do or had to do and as such once I met my lovely wife and got married, it became something I did very very rarely. Of course I felt no need to share my secret as it was largely irrelevant. Then suddenly almost overnight just over 10 years ago, it all changed for me, I developed a very very strong urge to dress. At that stage I was travelling a lot for work and before I knew it I had my first makeover. I don't need to tell people here what an amazing experience it is to see oneself as a woman for the first time. This is when my inner girl came out and I realised that dressing was now something I had to do. Oh oops almost forgot to mention, the sexual side of dressing totally vanished.

Now a bit about our marriage, very very happily married for over 20 years to a great woman. We are very close in many ways and spend a lot of time together. My wife believes that a happily married couple do not have to tell each other everything, as long as they tell anything and everything that is important or relevant.

So when Becky evolved I was very undecided as to whether I should tell her or not. I felt that this news would not be something that she would be happy about. She would not embrace having a husband that was in any way feminine or even a CD. I knew she would not have ended our marriage but I did feel the news would ruin her life, she would be very very upset and very concerned for the kids finding out.

Given I was travelling so often for work, it became easy for Becky to almost coexist in my life. Over the next few years she had quite a time. I had my first outing in Sydney Australia (more about that one day) wow what an experience. I bought a range of clothes, accessories, wigs, makeup and spent many many happy nights in hotels around the world practicing my make up skills, dressing in and chatting with other girls on Yahoo messenger. Then in 2007 I spent a large amount of the year in the USA mostly in San Fran. I call that the year of Becky, I found a group of girlfriends and went out numerous times. Although we sent many nights in bars and clubs dancing etc. I never once came close to doing anything inappropriate as they say unless you call dressing up as a girl inappropriate but you know what I mean..

So a lot of thinking about telling my wife, but although I came close once, I felt that I would be devastating her world, and that of course I would loved to have shared my secret but that was perhaps selfish. I did think at that stage that I was maybe heading for transition as I had incredibly strong urges to dress and I really felt myself to be more female than male inside, or course I would have to have told her if I had to follow that option.

Luckily I decided not to tell her as Becky left me in late 2007, as quickly as she came she left. This time though the sexual side of CDing didn't come back either. For the next 4 years I had no Becky, no desire to dress, it was as if that side of me had died.

Some stage in the 3rd year it somehow came up in conversation (too personal to explain how) but the net result was I told my wife that I used to have desires to dress but they had left me 3 years ago. She did not ask if I had dressed, probably scared of the answer, so we left it at that.

In 2012 Becky came back to me in a way. Since then I get urges and desires to dress, to go out, but then just when i think it will overwhelm me they go. So now i find myself in that genderfluid world where I know that I am more of a woman inside but I don't feel like I am trapped in the wrong body and some occasional dressing or outing seems to be enough for me, as long as I can express myself here on facebook etc.

So although at times I think perhaps I should share with my wife, how can I tell her when the first question she will ask is what do you want and my answer will be, I don't know!!!! I have also now been in this game for long enough now to know that how I feel today may well change again. But right now life is very good, I am gifted to have Becky and am very lucky to be able to occasionally get her out safely.

Sorry for the loooong post, feel free to ask me anything and happy to take some criticism for my decision to date.
Bec
xx

Kerry30Den
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Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2016 4:34 pm

Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:07 am

Hi Becky and before I offer my thoughts, I want to share that my family and I will be visiting Australia over our Christmas week, Cairns (or 'Caans' as I've been lectured to pronounce) for a few days diving the Reef and then Melbourne for the New Year's party, the Bridge Walk and a few other things...a 'bucket list dream' finally coming true. Sadly, no femme time for me, though.

I shared my story with my wife before we married, and although she does not participate nor wants Helen in her life, she travels often and allows me to be Helen as much as I want to when she is not around. She has seen everything on 'that side' of 'that closet', borrowed some things very occasionally, seen me dressed twice (at her request) and generally accepts Helen but not in her presence, a reasonable DADT situation.

I told her about Helen before we married because I had two simple questions:
- Was I ready to live a lie with the woman I loved?
- Was she really the woman I could spend the rest of my life with because if she could not deal with Helen in our lives even if occasionally, then it just wasn't going to work.

After so many years dressing in secret and with several 'on that topic' conversations you have had with your SO, I would not be surprised that 'she knows' -or at least suspects- so basically, you have to ask yourself the same two questions and decide for yourself. And yes, that could be risky.
If she takes it hard, be prepared to put more skin in the game in the form of counselling and other means to better educate your spouse on why this is something that will be there forever, etc and take it from there.

The truth is never easy but it might set both of you free

Kerry30Den
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2016 4:34 pm

Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:07 am

I feel your conflict with this. I know from experience that the sooner you tell her the better. But do it slowly. You already had one conversation about this. You did not say if it was good or bad. She has it in her mind that you have these desires, what she may not know (she may know) is that these are a part of you. Becky has been with you since your early teens, probably earlier. It sounds like you are very happy with your wife. After 20ish years, if you bring up Becky she may be able to hear you, but she may not want to see her. After this long your wife might feel betrayed too because you have not said anything about this and it has been 10ish years. My "vote" is to start telling her but do it slow. If you have any pics she might be able to look at those after a few conversation.
Anyway good luck
Hugs and kisses
Jessie

Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:08 am

I needed to tell my wife because keeping secrets was not in my nature - tough at first, but she loves and accepts this side of me (been married 41 years). Our adult children are also accepting. You know yourself and your wife better than I do so only you know is best.

Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:08 am

well these threads tend to get contentious sooner than later, for my reason was what would she think had i passed on and not been able to answer any of her concerns about me and her when she found my things ??? so whether you have the discussion or not is choice, for reasons.....but at the very least pen her a letter or video explaining what you just shared here to put her at ease and leave it with your stash of becky things....

Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:08 am

Becky,
I can understand how tricky this is, my CDing doesn't ebb and flow, I have a gut feeling or need 24/7, so i knew things had to change I just couldn't live with that feeling of suppression.
For people like you who are gender fluid the question of telling is more difficult, you may find if you give it long enough the feelings may not come back at all, so why say anything, it would be in your past. I know that is said with some doubts because it could come back so strong you may feel like transition next time, there are no fixed rules in all this.
I'm inclined to write it all down with totally honesty , no BS just facts, I believe how your CDing started is important or at least it is in my case so include that, if you mention your dressing on trips abroad don't make a big thing of how good it was just give truthful details that you feel may be important.

You would then have two choices, ask your wife if she would like to see and understand what went on in your past or wait until the urge comes back and show her what you have written down to explain what is happening and how it will take it's course .
At the end of the day all this is inside your head, whether it's an everyday feeling or spasmodic you can't take those feelings away they are part of you and you must be honest with yourself about it. The important point is if you're not gay or don't want to transition you wife isn't losing a husband and the kids aren't losing a father.That is important and my family now see it that way,they just accept it is a part of me and give me the space I need to deal with it.

Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:08 am

Been there. I didn't tell her when the feeling started. We were married and I know her well and know it would not end well..I WAS RIGHT. Then two years back I meet the perfect lady. We fell in love.. l told her I had a deal breaker...she laugh after I tell her...IS THAT ALL! She has been in Em's closet..asked to use stuff, seen photos, and buy me panties. But I don't dress around her...okay panties toenail hair and earrings. So far I don't feel the need to take the chance of losing her
Em

Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:09 am

Hey Becky, I can completely relate to the ebb and flow of dressing. I experience that. Some days, or weeks, I just don't dress at all. Others, I go all out on clothes, make-up, etc. I suppose you could say I go with the feeling and don't worry about it.

Can I ask what are your expectations of your wife once she hears from you. Do you want her to support or simply tolerate, or is there something more you hope to gain?

Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:09 am

I have experienced my desire to cross dress ebb and flow but the highs and lows have not been large like yours. I often say this to other girls on this site but I wonder if some time with a counselor who has expertise would help. I sense that you have two problems understanding yourself and then being able to have your wife understand you.

Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:09 am

Fascinating story, especially Becky's sudden appearance and disappearance. Thanks for sharing.

You've made it work so far, but perhaps retirement might be a bit trickier, when you're home full time? For now I think you're wise to let sleeping dogs lie, potentially jeopardising a happy marriage is a very big gamble.

Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:09 am

[img]images/buttons/viewpost-right.png[/img][/url]

... a happily married couple do not have to tell each other everything, as long as they tell anything and everything that is important or relevant.

So when Becky evolved I was very undecided as to whether I should tell her or not. ...



Well, it's pretty clear you DON'T believe you should tell her things that are important. This not a gray area. Cross dressing IS relevant.

Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:09 am

I see you joined 11 years ago, so you know there are many opinions here. My wife has known for last 25 years of 27 years of marriage, but she hates my Ellen side but knows I can't live without it, so tries her best to ignore it. I agree you should tell your wife but slowly. Read Jennifer's link on how to tell your wife to prepare. If you are not sure who you are, then maybe some therapy to help sort you out or ask here to help sort out your basic needs vs fantasies. As you said "am very lucky to be able to occasionally get her out safely" - if wife knew and allowed you to do that, would you be satisfied?
Hugs, Ellen

Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:10 am

I had a forced confession after 20+ years of marriage, my wife knew I was hiding something and assumed it was an affair, she had found my underwear stash a few years previous which was never spoken about, I had to tell her to get the idea that I could be unfaithful out of her mind, I did a lot of research on here before I took the plunge, I wrote a letter and prepared some pics with my face blurred, I waited until we were in bed one night and told her I had something to confess, I read her the letter and showed her the pics, emphasising the fact that there was no sexual element in it for me and that I had no desires to transition,, she took it pretty bad to start with.
After I gave her some time to digest this new information I spoke to her again, explaining why I needed to come clean, she asked to see my clothes and then instructed me to dress for her, it was very awkward but she was fine with it, fast forward and I now get to dress in her presence regularly and she actually enjoys socialising with Leanne.
The biggest hurt through it all was the deception, the fact that I kept it from her so long, if you're going to tell her, do it soon and tell all, don't hold anything back, let her absorb it and then move very slowly, best of luck.

Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:10 am

I've been debating if I should tell my wife about my CDing for a long time. I had pretty much decided that it was the right thing to do and have been mentally preparing for the day. Now I am conflict with myself. One half is saying. yes,tell, you owe it to her not to keep this secret any longer. The other half is saying, no. you've got this far without her knowing, what effect will it have on her and us if she is told. At the moment we are reasonably happy with each other, we're not super close but have a good balance of time together and time to do our own thing. We have a nice house, a decent social life. some good friends. All that could come crashing down in an instant, or it could go much better than I expected, I really don't know. My CDing has never ebbed and flowed like it has for some, it is always there and as I get older the desire is if anything getting stronger. As someone once said, what a tangled web we weave....

Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:10 am

[img]images/buttons/viewpost-right.png[/img][/url]

I did think at that stage that I was maybe heading for transition as I had incredibly strong urges to dress and I really felt myself to be more female than male inside, or course I would have to have told her if I had to follow that option.



To place this in your timeline, this was the 2007 year in San Francisco that you call the year of Becky. So why do you think that strong urges to dress means that you are more female than male inside. All crossdressers experience strong urges to dress, and I may add, extremely strong urges. This is the nature of the crossdressing. If I may provide a small scale analogy, it’s like wanting that last piece of (fill in the blank with your favorite treat) in the fridge, when you’re on a diet. You’ve had a good dinner, but you start thinking about it at 11 at night, even though your rule is that you will not eat after 9pm. You start thinking about it, and within 15-30 minutes, you’ve convinced yourself it’s only one time and you've been good (there is only one piece left), and the urge to eat it is overpowering. So you eat it.

Why do you think that similar strong urges to experience femininity means that your gender identity has changed. Is it because your brain has linked dressing up as a girl with "being" a girl? If this were the case, every CDer who dresses as a girl would be a girl, which certainly isn’t the case. Having gone from crossdressing with a strong sexual urges earlier in life, to no longer needing sexual gratification, does not mean that one has graduated to having Gender Dysphoria.

Do you feel uncomfortable with your male body and your male sexual functioning? If not, then you don’t have GD (which is feeling that your gender identity does not match your body). But having strong urges to experience the benefits of dressing up, even if there is no need for sexual gratification, does describe the crossdressing as it is experienced by many middle-aged men.

[img]images/buttons/viewpost-right.png[/img][/url]

In 2012 Becky came back to me in a way. Since then I get urges and desires to dress, to go out, but then just when i think it will overwhelm me they go. So now i find myself in that genderfluid world where I know that I am more of a woman inside but I don't feel like I am trapped in the wrong body and some occasional dressing or outing seems to be enough for me, as long as I can express myself here on facebook etc.



You’ve answered your own question. You do not feel trapped in the wrong body. But I’m still confounded about your definition of "more of a woman inside". I’m assuming you feel great when you do crossdress and the need to engage in the transformation is impossible to resist, but feeling great about the CDing does not a woman make. Like I said, you are wanting to relieve the urge, like that treat in the fridge, only it involves a lot more preparation, the block of time allocated to it is longer than the time it takes to eat a treat, and it does involve the outward appearance of being a woman. In between the CDing sessions you feel comfortable, you do not want to rid yourself of your male body (even if you have strong urges to have boobs), and so what you have is the garden-variety urges that all crossdressers experience, even if it is no longer sexual (which tends to diminish for many middle-aged CDers).

[img]images/buttons/viewpost-right.png[/img][/url]

So although at times I think perhaps I should share with my wife, how can I tell her when the first question she will ask is what do you want and my answer will be, I don't know!!!!



Instead of telling her "I don't know", why don't you simply tell her what you told us (except you will need to change your idea that when you feel a strong urge to crossdress, it means you are a girl inside). It doesn't. If you can change your inner-language, it may make it easier to explain this to your wife without jeopardizing your relationship. You can honestly tell her what you’ve told us, that you have strong urges to express femininity but you do not feel you are in the wrong body, and so you need the time and space to express yourself when the urges manifest themselves. Leave the "I’m more of a girl than a boy inside" out of it, since you do not experience Gender Dysphoria. To enjoy the feelings associated with presenting as an attractive girl (I assume you enjoy feeling pretty) is not the same as a rejection of your male body and identity.


Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:10 am

Wow some really great and deep responses and thanks to everyone xx. I will try and answer all of the questions as well as add some clarifications too as I take some time to absorb it all.

What I want to stress and I know some of you may disagree with this, but my primary reason for NOT telling is because of my love for my wife, but I know that a full confession WILL upset her a lot. I think that for me to tell her at this stage would be quite selfish as I have a lot to gain if she was accepting.

If my circumstances change and I had to take Becky further of course I would have no choice but to tell her, but on the other hand maybe this is as far as I will ever go and if that means a happy wife and a great marriage is not put at risk for no compelling reason.

- - - Updated - - -

[img]images/buttons/viewpost-right.png[/img][/url]

I shared my story with my wife before we married, and although she does not participate nor wants Helen in her life, she travels often and allows me to be Helen as much as I want to when she is not around. She has seen everything on 'that side' of 'that closet', borrowed some things very occasionally, seen me dressed twice (at her request) and generally accepts Helen but not in her presence, a reasonable DADT situation.

I told her about Helen before we married because I had two simple questions:
- Was I ready to live a lie with the woman I loved?
- Was she really the woman I could spend the rest of my life with because if she could not deal with Helen in our lives even if occasionally, then it just wasn't going to work.

After so many years dressing in secret and with several 'on that topic' conversations you have had with your SO, I would not be surprised that 'she knows' -or at least suspects- so basically, you have to ask yourself the same two questions and decide for yourself. And yes, that could be risky.
If she takes it hard, be prepared to put more skin in the game in the form of counselling and other means to better educate your spouse on why this is something that will be there forever, etc and take it from there.

The truth is never easy but it might set both of you free



Helen, at the end of the day for me having a great marriage is when you both love each other and still want to spend time with each other after more than 20 years together. Nobody is perfect nor is any relationship. I see one of my roles in life is to make my wife happy, that in turn makes me happy. If I had known about my 'female side' early in our relationship of course I would have told her, but by the time Becky emerged it was too late.

Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:11 am

As an accepting wife I must chime in and say "yes" tell her. There is no reason to add every detail of your history however as you have brought it up before odds are she good she's paying attention and knows more than you may think. I have seen first hand how difficult it may to answer the questions that will be asked. My husband had more unknowns than definitive answers on how much "Bobbie" was a part of him but that was honest. Something I had an easier time accepting than why I didn't know a couple years before. Honestly is freedom regardless of the outcome and love only survives with trust. If she finds out on her own the consequences are far worse. Think answering questions you don't have scripted answers for is ruff .Try " what else are you hiding ?" Or why did you betray me all these years ? When she no longer has a reason to believe the answers . You are gambling with emotions yours and your wife's. You say you two are close. if that is true gamble on the strength and respect for your relationship. With open communication and time you might find your wife enjoys Becky's time as much as I enjoy Bobbie's.

C

Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:11 am

This type of post elicits a myriad of responses and not a single one may apply as none of us knows the intricacies of each other's relationships. I can only relay my course of action. As I have written in the past, I was only a lingerie wearer for strictly sexual gratification...no desire to go past that for over thirty years. I am now in my late sixties, travelled extensively for work and had many "private" times. For many a decade..I stopped cold turkey. Then I retired, had time on my hands even though my days are filled. Like many here..it hit me like a brick out of nowhere. All,of a sudden a deep desire to totally CD...where did this descend on me from...no clue. It started to eat at me from within..felt like exploding. I discovered this site...got tired of CD porn..not attracted to it. I had no idea what breast forms etc were..but started a secret buying spree..an almost uncontrollable need to buy womens' clothing...and like many here...the sexual compulsion disappeared. I thought I was in deep trouble on a personal level. I am so happily married, and was in terrible fear.
About two months ago, I was so wound up I sat my wife down and said we needed to talk...she never saw this coming...was I about to confess an affair, being gay...who knew. I was in turmoil and told her everything..how I masterbated in hose for decades while on the road etc but now that I'm home and have no privacy I want to dress as a woman. She listened and did not react positively or negatively-we have been together over forty five years. I felt the weight leave my shoulders-I'm out..what next. OK-I apologize..I next over did it..wanted to talk about it all the time...she said...ok..but let's take a break of this constant CD pushing...hard to do.

I backed off, but being the type A I am...I said I want you to see me dressed...and I don' understand make up...I need help. She said she would help...I dressed-sat down on her side of the bathroom and she did my make up and then I put my wig on. Like many here she said she envied my legs. The ice was broken...it calmed me down. Since then I am much more considerate. She doesn't want to be bombarded with this...in my fantasy I want to dress like twins like the folks on YOUTube . Not happening just yet, but I know her...and we'll get here gently. She told me that since she does not use a lot of make up...she had a great face lift a couple of years ago, that I should watch some how to,videos. I did but told her it was overwhelming and I need help buying the proper make up...again she said she'd help. Now once a week, I ask her if I dress will she help me. If she's not tired she will..and I love her for it. Today we discussed a minor money expenditure and I quipped "well there goes my new cocktail dress" she laughed. Now we shop Amazon together and she tells me what is appropriate or not. I have three wigs..I like my silver one as it's age appropriate but she said put the blond one on.

So that's my story...what is so weird is that she has a great body and I look at here and envy her....I would "kill" for that cleavage or those shapely hips. She helped me in to my corset and it was fun. We've been together a very long time...and I'm free...it's so good.

Kerry30Den
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Re: Telling or not telling the wife

Postby Kerry30Den » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:11 am

[img]images/buttons/viewpost-right.png[/img][/url]

Well, it's pretty clear you DON'T believe you should tell her things that are important. This not a gray area. Cross dressing IS relevant.



That's crazy-talk.

Remember: No one cares!


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